


Three Years Later

by flowersandsunshine



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Donalduke - Freeform, F/M, Lolilo, i'll update more characters when needed, nmtd - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-12 09:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 9,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersandsunshine/pseuds/flowersandsunshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years is a long time. A lot of things change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hero glanced over to her desk where her phone was buzzing. She looked at her homework, sighed, and picked it up, frowning at the unknown number. “Hello?” she asked brightly.

“Hero?” came a familiar voice.

“Peter?” she asked after a moment. “Pete? Is that you?”

“Hi!” He breathed a sigh of relief down the line. “God, I’m glad that’s you. Uh… Hi.”

Hero waited. “What can I do for you? I mean, wow, it’s been a few years, hasn’t it? You and Balthazar tying the knot anytime soon?”

Peter laughed slightly before stopping very suddenly. “Listen. You’re going to the same school John is, right?”

“Am I?” Hero asked in surprise.

“Yes.”

Hero had to smile, despite her confusion, and, honestly, annoyance. He was still the same old Peter Donaldson: confident, assured. “Alright, then, yes.”

“Okay. I…” Peter breathed in and out, in and out. “Hero?” he asked, suddenly sounding strained.

“Yes?” Hero asked softly, worried all of a sudden. 

“I need a favor.”

\---

Hero pulled up outside the address Peter had given her and trotted up to the door. “Okay, I’m here. Do I… knock?”

Peter’s voice had gotten more nervous and more tense with every passing minute. “I guess. Just do something.” He paused. “Please.”

Hero knocked on the door and waited for a few moments. “There’s no sound inside,” she said, tense herself.

She heard Balthazar’s voice in the background. “I just got your text. Is… who….”

“It’s Hero,” Peter said, slightly muffled.

Hero listened to their exchange, complete with sniffing and probably a hug, before getting impatient and looking for a key. 

“Just try the door,” Peter’s voice came over the line. “He never locks it.”

Hero turned the knob and opened the door. “I hope you’re…” She stopped. 

“What?”

“I was going to say I hope you’re right,” she whispered, “because it would be awkward if you won’t. But I didn’t mean it. I hope, with all my heart, you’re wrong.” She walked into the apartment and looked around for a bit. “Living area, nobody… kitchen area, no one… bedroom…” She hesitated before walking in.

Over the line, she heard another voice. She struggled to place it before remembering Chelsey. “What’s happening?”

“Peter got a voicemail from John that…” Balthazar’s voice came over the line.

Hero removed the phone from her ear. She didn’t want to hear. She looked past John’s unmade bed before flinching and turning away. “God.”

“Hero?” Peter’s voice came loud and clear from the phone she had instinctively dropped on the floor. “Hero, what’s going on?”

Hero shuddered and covered her mouth. “Um…” She picked up the phone and talked into it, voice shaky. “He… he’s here… I’m going to have to hang up, call Emergency, but I will call you back. Okay? Okay? Peter, I’m here, I’m with him, I just…”

“Make the call. Please.” Peter sounded resigned, old.

Hero heard evidence of more hugging before she hung up the phone and dialed another number.

\---

“John Donaldson, if you die, I swear, I will kill you myself.”

John hadn’t heard that voice for a long time, but he could swea


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly a filler chapter, but don't worry. It's just getting started. (I think. I actually have no idea how long I'll make this) I hope you enjoy!

Hero paced up and down the hospital hallway until she saw her friends running to join her. “Peter!” she exclaimed. “Balthazar.”

They exchanged a three-way hug and Hero noticed there were tears streaming down her face. “You guys,” she managed, “I’m so, so glad you made it.”

Peter pushed his face into her shoulder. “Hero Duke. I haven’t seen you in so long, and I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances, but… but I’m so glad you’re here.”

Balthazar squeezed Hero’s shoulder and gave her a small, comforting smile.

Hero smiled back and pulled away from Peter, patting his shoulder sadly.

“How’s he doing? They wouldn’t tell us anything,” Peter said, the words bursting out of him like they were fire. 

“He’s stable. They pumped his stomach, and he went through a rough time, but he’s okay.” Hero smiled. “It was rather dramatic, actually. I mean, while it was night, it was horrible, and there wasn’t a lot of hope, but…”

Peter flinched and Hero rerouted.

“When the sun came up… he normalized…” She blinked back a tear and smiled again. “There’s so much hope in the day time, don’t you think?”

Balthazar took her hand and nodded, glancing at Peter.

Peter frowned but nodded. “I’m glad he’s okay. Can I go in to see him?”

Hero motioned towards his door. “I think so. Check with the doctor.”

Peter disappeared and Hero led Balthazar to a chair. “You’ve been traveling all night… you must be exhausted.”

Balthazar blinked at her in surprise, wrapping an arm around her. “Hero… you’ve been up with John all night. You must be the exhausted one.”

Hero leaned her head on his shoulder and breathed out. “I am.”

He kissed the top of her head and felt her fall asleep. He smiled. “Hero Duke. Never change.”

\---

Peter walked into John’s room and swallowed hard. “John… god, John.” He felt himself crying and shook his head. “Why did you do this? Your phone call didn’t make sense. You didn’t make sense to me at all.” He sat in the chair by John’s bed and leaned over to inspect his brother’s face. “You still don’t.” He frowned and stared at John’s hair. “When did you cut this? I haven’t seen your hair this short since… I don’t know. It looks kind of ridiculous. Your other hair did, too, though.”

He glanced up as a nurse came in, did some stuff that he was too tired to take note of, and leave again.

“I thought things were going well. When we talked last week, you told me that classes were great, and you were especially enjoying your Beowulf class. And your monster theory class, well, you couldn’t stop raving about it. You told me about your new friend, Ellen, who seemed like she was really good for you, and perhaps more than a friend…” Peter frowned. “What the hell happened, John? What the hell? And god, when Mum and Dad find out about this…” He shook his head and fell silent.

\---

Peter rubbed his bleary eyes and glanced around. “What am I still doing here?” he muttered before realizing he was holding John’s hand—or, John was holding his. It didn’t matter. He stared down at their interlocked hands before falling asleep again.

\---

Hero shook Peter awake. “Hey…” she said, smiling at him. “They’re going to let him go after a few days observation, under the order to visit a psychologist more often. But we should go now… Get his apartment in order, and stuff. It was kind of a mess when I was there.”

Peter sat up slowly and nodded. “Okay.” He glanced at John and frowned. “Hang in there, okay?”

He was probably just looking for it, but he could swear he saw John’s mouth twitch into a smile of sorts.  
 


	3. Chapter 3

“John. John.”

John rolled his head around to look at his psychologist again. “Sorry, Miss Danvers. My head just feels really heavy right now.”

“Not Ms. Danvers, remember? Lily, please.” Lily studied him for a moment. “What do you remember from that night, exactly?”

John frowned and tried to think back. “I remember calling Pedro.”

“Your brother,” she supplied.

“Yeah. And I told him that I didn’t want to live anymore, and this was goodbye, and then I just… took all the meds in the cupboard… my flatmates, they are athletes with some serious injuries, so…” He frowned. “It wasn’t hard to find some heavy-duty medications.”

Lily nodded slowly. “And then what?”

“And then…” John struggled to find the words. “And then it was kind of… it was hard to… to…” He put his hands on his head and shook slightly. “It was like there was an enormous pain, right in the middle of my chest, and my heart, and my head, and everything, all my life force, was squeezing out of me, and… Do I really have to recount all of this?”

“Not if you don’t want to.” Lily was quiet for a few minutes and watched John Donaldson seem to shut off from the inside. He was a hard patient—no, they were trying to re-word, he was a client—, but she’d had much, much harder. 

“Can we talk about something else?” John finally asked quietly. “I mean, I have to be here, by law, for another twenty-two minutes. We might as well talk.”

Lily glanced up at the clock and nodded. “Tell me about the people who were in the hospital with you that night.”

“Really?” John asked in surprise. “That doesn’t really have anything to do with my mental health.”

“The people who are there for you in the hard times are often the people who are the most impactful for your mental health.” Lily motioned for him to talk.

John sighed slightly. “Pedro, Peter, my brother, well… my stepbrother. The one I called. He came, drove all the way from Wellington overnight, to be with me. He… I used to hate him, but we are okay now, so… It was nice to wake up and have him there. He, uh,” John laughed suddenly, “he and I used to fight all the time. We never stopped. Honestly, we were the worst brothers in the world. And I screwed him over a couple of times, and it was bad. The whole situation was bad. But now, miraculously, we’re friends. You could even call us brothers. It resolved itself quite nicely, that situation did.”

“And…” Lily checked her notes, even though she remembered his name. It was unusual. All their names were. “Stanley Balthazar Jones?”

“Pedro’s fiancé.” John couldn’t help the smile that rose on his face. “They, they actually liked each other for six years, and it took very, very extreme circumstances and a really shitty situation to get them together, and now they’re engaged and the happiest couple I know.”

“Extreme circumstances?” Lily asked. (This didn’t have anything to do with her patient—client. She was just curious.)

“I don’t really want to explain,” John said honestly. “I mean, if you really, really want to know, you could watch their story on YouTube, thanks to Benedick. He vlogged their whole lives a few years ago.”

Lily made a note to search for Pedro Donaldson and Balthazar Jones sometime later, although she was pretty sure Balthazar Jones was a semi-famous musician and it might confuse her results. Was he the same person…? She would sift through all that another time. “Why situation?”

“Sorry?” John asked.

“You’ve used situation a couple of times to describe things that have happened. Is that word significant to you, or can you just not find any others?” Lily made a note before staring at him.

He looked suddenly vulnerable. “I just… sometimes I feel like I’m trapped within a story, a story that’s not my own, like the plot is carrying me and I can’t really do anything about it, so why bother, you know? So, yeah, the situations pop up and I ride them out, and then… I do what I can to fight the aftermath.”

Lily made another note to follow that up sometime. “Okay. And the girl?”

“Hero.” John frowned. “I’m still not exactly sure why she was there. I haven’t talked with her since. I just know that she’s the only person in the area from the old crowd, so Pedro thought he could involve her with the situation.”

“And involving her in the… situation… was bad, why?” Lily pressed. 

John flinched. “She should have never been involved all those years ago.”

“With what?” she continued.

He shook his head. “Any of it.” He leaned back in his chair, trying to make his muscles relax, but he felt permanently tense. “She… Hero Duke was an angel and she should have never been involved. Like. An actual angel. I’m pretty sure half the school was in love with her, myself included.”

Lily raised her eyebrows and underlined her note to look up Pedro and Balthazar, adding Hero Duke to the mix. “Do you want to elaborate on that?”

He opened his mouth, before seeming to think better of it and skirting the topic. “I’ve been a monster in my past.” John grimaced at the word. “In uni, I’ve been studying monsters. I like them. I think they’re interesting and unique and… and I could always relate to them.” He shrugged. “I like to think that that part of my life is over, and the monster of my past just led the way to the flawed, but human, me of the future, but then things like this past week come up and I am just reminded that I’m still the monster.”

Lily shook her head. “You’re not a monster. John. Look at me.”

He did and she was surprised by the intensity in his eyes. “I am, Lily. Miss Danvers. I have always been the monster of this narrative.”

She blinked and couldn’t help but think, ‘If nothing else, the boy is damn poetic.’  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm? what do you think?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes contact.

John stared at the phone on his table for a long time, running his hands through his hair, so much shorter than he was used to. It felt like there was nothing there to grasp on to. His hands kept slipping, slipping—

He snatched up his phone and dialed without another moment’s hesitation. 

“Hello?”

She still sounded like sunshine.

“Hero.” He cleared his throat and sat up straighter. “Hi.”

There was a short silence. “Oh! John. Hi! How are you feeling? I’ve wanted to get in contact, but I wasn’t sure how, and your school email I thought would be too creepy, and I didn’t know if I should talk to Peter about it—”

John blinked and struggled to find words. “Hero… Hero, wait, stop.”

She came to a sudden stop and he could hear her breathing down the line.

“Sorry.” He laughed slightly. “Hi. It’s John Donaldson.”

“Right… we go to school together, don’t we?”

He laughed again, more genuinely. “That’s right. I got your number from my stepbrother. You know him, right? Pedro.”

“I know him as Peter now,” Hero said firmly, “but, yeah, I know him.”

John was quiet for a moment, just smiling.

“You still there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” John stood and paced around the room, touching all his books, his blankets, the window. “Yeah. I just wanted to say… well, thank you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

“I… I’m just very glad I could be here. You know? Like maybe it was destiny that we came to the same uni.” She sounded far off now, like her head was far, far away, in the stardust where she belonged.

John had loved her once.

He snapped back to reality and cleared his throat. “Anyway. I think… and Lily thinks,” he added wryly, “that we should talk. Clear some things out. At the very least,” he admitted quickly, “I definitely need another friend.”

“Who’s Lily?” Hero asked curiously.

“My therapist,” he said, a trace of bitterness lacing his words.

“Oh.” Hero paused. “Name the place.”

“Well, there’s this coffee shop, called The One Less Traveled… do you know it?”

“I love that shop!” she exclaimed enthusiastically.

“You do?” he asked, surprised.

“Yes! I mean, the name, the quaint feel, the lovely people who work there, the coffee and tea itself, it’s all so perfect,” she gushed. “Yes, I would love to meet up with you there and just talk. When are you free?”

John glanced at the clock on the wall and thought for a second. “Anytime. What about you?”

“You don’t have classes?” she asked. He heard a slight frown in her voice.

“I do, I do,” he hastened to assure her. “I meant, uh, today. It can be another day, though, if you want.”

“Oh. Well, actually, I would love to meet you in the next twenty minutes. That’s actually perfect. I just assumed you meant some time in the near future.”

“Twenty minutes sounds near enough to me.” John smiled. “I guess I’ll see you soon, then.”

“I guess you will.”

John hung up still smiling. He went to grab his coat and wallet and left within a minute.

\---

Hero was sitting on her favorite couch in TOLT when she heard the bell jingle cheerfully. She glanced up and gave a little wave.

John came over and smiled at her. “Hero.”

She stood up and impulsively pulled him into a hug. “John. It’s so nice to see you… upright.”

John cautiously wrapped his arms around her, held on for four seconds, and then let go. “It’s nice to be upright.”

Hero smiled at him. “I already ordered…”

“Okay.” He nodded and walked over to the counter. 

Hero decided to eavesdrop.

“Can I get my usual, please?” she heard him ask.

“Of course,” the cashier replied.

John came walking back and sat across from her. “So…”

Hero smiled at how uncomfortable he looked. He had seemed so relaxed on the phone. “So. You have a therapist.”

“Always did. I apparently have a better one now.” John shrugged. “She’s very young. Lily is her name. Wanted to know a lot about Pedro, Balthazar, and you.”

“Because we were the only ones there for you?” Hero asked quietly. She glanced up and took the offered tea gratefully. “Thank you so much.” She took a sip and looked at John again.

He nodded. “I mean, if I had told anyone else, but… I didn’t want to be stopped, so I told Pedro, who was hours away and couldn’t do anything about it.”

Hero put her tea down carefully. “Do your… do your friends know what happened?”

John shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll tell them. They already know I’m in therapy, so it’s really not a big deal. And I just couldn’t. They’ll think poorly of me, or… I don’t know.” He managed to crack a smile. “Imagine if Benedick were still in his filming stage. Everyone would know.”

“Benedick, even when he was in his filming stage, was always kind and compassionate,” Hero argued.

John gaped at her. “What? Did you see the video where he posted Balthazar and Pedro’s kiss online?”

“Did you see the video where he told people to turn the camera off?” she pushed back.

“Okay, but what about the video where he basically told Pedro that being bisexual was bad?” John protested.

“He apologized for that!” Hero argued. “Come on, John. We were even there for the huge apology later. Did you see the video where he expressed his own self-loathing? Or the one where he cried because Beatrice would love some fudge? Or the video where he dropped everything, everything, to go back to Auckland with Beatrice and myself?”

John suddenly laughed. “Why are we arguing about Benedick?”

“Common ground, I suppose,” Hero said reluctantly after a moment’s thought. “Got you laughing, though.”

“That it did.” John nodded.

“So come on. Tell me about life. I haven’t seen you since graduation.” Hero leaned forward and smiled brightly. “Tell me how it’s going.”

“Oh.” John shrugged. “I mean, I decided really early on that I wanted to be an English Literature major, so I’m doing that. I love it; I really do. I’ve also taken some art and music classes that I really enjoyed.”

Hero nodded. “Go on.”

“I’ve made a couple of really good friends, too.” John smiled. “Max, a wonderful, amazing person, who is really braver than I could ever imagine, and actually, quite beautiful also. It’s unfair, but Max deserves it all. They’re incredible.”

“They sound wonderful,” Hero encouraged him, stumbling a little over the unusual pronoun, but catching on quickly.

“And Ellen. She’s…” John hesitated. “Ellen is the most incredible, caring, wonderful, frustrating person I’ve ever met.”

Hero laughed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” John smiled at the person bringing him his coffee. “Thank you.” He took a drink and continued. “She’s really quite something. Actually, she reminds me quite a bit of you.”

“Me?” Hero was slightly taken aback. “Am I frustrating?”

“Yes, you have no idea,” John said, not quite looking at her. “Or, at least, you certainly used to be.”

“I…” She shook her head. “What?”

He was quiet for a moment. “Why were you never mad at me? I mean, you were upset with Claudio, Pedro, Robbie, the bastard, but… not me.”

“I never had a chance.” Hero shrugged. “You had us all too worried to be mad.”

“But later,” he persisted. “Later, you had the chance to be mad. But you and I were kind of… friends that last year.”

“Well…” 

“I would have hated me,” John continued quietly. “I mean, I did. Sometimes…”

Hero leaned over and put her hand on his. “John,” she whispered, her eyes inexplicably filling with tears, “has anyone ever told you how incredible you are?”

“What?” he asked, completely floored by the question. 

She got up and sat next to him, taking his hand. “You just told me how wonderful your friends are. But has anyone told you the same?”

He was silent.

She smiled sadly. “We should meet often, and hang out. How does that sound?”

“I don’t want another therapist,” he warned her.

“What about another friend?” Hero took a sip of her tea and smiled at him warmly. “Sound good?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy they talked  
> good for them <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks.

Lily smiled as John ran a hand through his short hair. “I looked up your friends’ videos,” she announced after a few moments of silence.

John glanced up in surprise. “You did? How many did you watch?”

“All of them,” she admitted.

“All?” he demanded. “All the videos? Did that take, like, fifteen hours to watch?”

“A lot,” she said. “There were a lot of them. But they were very interesting, especially around Hero’s sixteenth birthday. Those ones were especially interesting to me.”

John sighed. “They’re a part of my life I try to forget a lot.” He slumped down in his chair slightly and frowned. “And it’s not even the most interesting part of the videos.”

“What do you think is the most interesting?” Lily asked. She wasn’t a great therapist. She asked too many questions. “Tone it down,” she muttered to herself.

“Oh, god, my brother’s narrative. From all around great guy, to all around great bi, to just Pedro.” John suddenly grinned and looked engaged in the conversation. “Honestly, Ben made some horrible, horrible shitty mistakes, but I really liked how well he documented Pedrazar during the year they were all in Wellington.”

“Yes… that was interesting.” Lily smiled. (Balthazar Jones had turned out to be the one and the same musician she had been thinking of. John Donaldson, her patient…client, was sort of, in a way, related to Balthazar Jones.) “But really. Do you and Hero talk?”

“A little,” John said carefully.

“You said last session you used to be in love with her?” Lily asked slowly. 

He blinked suddenly, eyes wider than usual. “You remember that?”

She nodded.

He fell silent.

“Do you want to tell me about that?”

\---

John glanced across the hallway at Hero Duke. She was walking to class, looking smaller than she had before. Claudio—and he, he had to admit—had taken a lot out of her recently. He sighed and followed her into the classroom.

The teacher had assigned people to groups for Marlowe studies. John, Ursula, and Hero had all been put in a group, and had to do a presentation on ‘The Jew of Malta’ in front of the class in a week.

John slid into the desk next to Hero reluctantly, refusing to look at her.

Ursula sat in front of him and turned to face him. “John,” she said as an opener. “I think you and I can both agree that this play can be turned into a comedic look at Christianity.”

John struggled to meet her eyes. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

She sighed. “Hero… do you want to meet up this afternoon and work on this?”

Hero smiled shortly. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

John frowned at her word choice. 

She was killing him. He never intended to hurt her, not Hero Duke, not the angel of Messina High. His revenge was all about Pedro, his stepbrother, the one he used to hate, not Hero, not Meg. God, he hurt Meg, too. He never even apologized to her. He should…

“John,” Ursula said, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Don’t you agree?”

He nodded, not knowing in the least what he was agreeing to.

“Great. I’ll see you both at Hero’s house at five, okay?” Ursula smiled. “Now read some more of the play and underline what you think would fit into our project, okay?”

John spent the rest of the class engaged in self-loathing and bitter unrequited love. He felt like the token emo kid from a novel, but, hey, that’s what he made himself into the day he lied to Claudio and Pedro.

\---

Lily frowned. “So, Hero was the object of your affections but you were sure she wouldn’t love you back? Is that it?”

John laughed, slightly bitterly. “Oh, no. No, she wouldn’t. In fact, after that project, we never really spoke again. She said congratulations to me at graduation, but other than that…”

“When did you stop loving her?” Lily asked softly, taking notes. Drawing Hero’s face from memory.

“I don’t think I ever did,” John replied, just as softly.

\---

She was here… She was at uni. His uni.

John swallowed, glancing around. He considered approaching her, but Hero was really far away, and he was insecure. But it was definitely her. Her hair was short, and she was wearing black. It was a good look for her, one John had certainly never seen before.

She looked more beautiful than ever.

She wasn’t supposed to be at his university.

This was the year John was going to forget Hero Duke, and move on to new people, new things. He stared at her across the way before setting his jaw and turning away.

If he ran into her, he would consider that a sign of fate. Until then, he was going to stay away.

\---

When John met Ellen, he thought it was his new chance, a chance to start again.

Ellen was young and vibrant, a film major with vision. She had long red hair, and a temper to match. When she spoke, it was like worlds were being opened up, unlocked in his mind: worlds he hadn’t even imagined before.

His love for Hero was undying and light blue, calm and steady, waves of feeling, returning to remind him of her with every tide. He couldn’t un-love her if he tried.

His love for Ellen was red and orange, frightening and exciting and fickle and more intense than he had ever dreamed love could be.

\---

Ellen didn’t love him in that way. She had a friend, named Alison, who eventually became her roommate, and then became her girlfriend. 

John was happy for her. Alison was perfect for Ellen: calm, happy, a listener.

John was destructive. No wonder unrequited love followed him around.

\---

“On the Lovely Little Losers channel, you seemed much more content and relaxed and… settled. What changed in the two years between that and now?” 

John tensed up. “Can we not talk about that right now?”

Lily nodded. “Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

“Tell me what you thought of the other people on the channel.” John smiled.

“I thought Peter showed an incredible learning experience.” Lily hesitated. “You want to hear stuff like that?”

John nodded.

“Peter’s journey was really fascinating for me.” Lily smiled. “I actually really enjoyed the videos so I’ll be willing to talk about them a lot. If that’s okay.”

“It’s perfect.”

\---

John was scared of Beatrice. She was sharp, loud. She spoke her mind. And she certainly didn’t like him.

When he was in Wellington, and Ben was filming all the time, Beatrice was very tense. She was avoiding the camera, and trying to get time alone with her boyfriend, both impossible tasks. This made her spend a lot of time with the others living in or behind the flat.

There was a moment where she and John were sitting on the couch, waiting for Ben to finish filming Freddie do something that “had to be recorded”. Beatrice sighed and leaned her head back, ignoring John.

Finally, he spoke up. “I know we’re not friends.”

“Damn right.” But she looked up.

John was staring at her, he knew it. He couldn’t really stop it, though. “I kind of wish we were.”

“John Donaldson, are you proposing friendship to me like we are six years old?” Beatrice laughed in surprise.

“No… no,” he insisted. “I just… I don’t like all the tension. I don’t like hanging out with our mutual friends, knowing that someone in the room hates me.”

Beatrice looked surprised. “You’ve never spoken so much in your life,” she said, still tense. “I don’t know that we can ever be friends.”

“Why?” he asked quietly.

“Because of what you did to Hero.” Beatrice frowned. “I don’t think I can ever forgive that, let alone forget it.”

“I—” John started.

“Let me be clear.” Beatrice gripped his arm suddenly and stared into his eyes intently. “Hero is my best friend and the best person in the world. I. Will. Not. Forgive. You. For. What. You. Did. I can’t.”

“I can’t either,” John admitted. “At least we can agree on that.”

She let go and looked surprised again. “You can’t?”

“I don’t think I ever will.” John shook his head. “Hero is an angel and I…” He shook his head again. And again. “I can’t ever forgive myself.”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey-o  
> i just wanted to check in with y'all  
> any thoughts? suggestions? anything you hate? lol maybe not go that far but i do want to know what you think, of this chapter and others before  
> love y'all


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Hero chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Talk of suicidal thoughts.

“John,” Hero said suddenly, pausing the movie.

John almost protested before simply turning to her. “Yes?”

“Why did you try to kill yourself?” she asked.

He was surprised at her bluntness. She had never been known for bluntness before, but the years can change a person. 

The past couple of weeks had brought him a friendship he had never known he needed. Hero was always there for him, and occasionally, such as when she got a D on a test, he was there for her. It was mutually supportive and actually really nice.

Ellen and Hero really liked each other, too. That was a bonus.

“John!” Hero exclaimed, snapping her fingers and laughing. “Hello? You there?”

John shook himself out of his trance. “Yeah. Sorry. I… was just thinking.”

“Sorry. If you don’t want to answer my question, you don’t have to.” She looked uncomfortable.

“No, no, I just…” He hesitated. “Have you ever felt like everything you’ve ever loved didn’t love you back? And it was just too much?”

“Yes,” she said softly.

John sat up a little straighter and narrowed his eyes. “Really? When?”

“My sixteenth birthday.” She studied her nails for a moment. “I mean, I was young, and naïve, but I honestly thought Claudio was my forever.”

John bit his lip and felt the old guilt come tiptoeing back into his heart. “I’m sorry.”

“Anyway. Continue,” Hero said, snapping herself out of her reverie.

He sighed. “Okay. I… I had just gotten a paper back, and the professor told me that I wasn’t… well, that I wasn’t going to make it in the academic world if I kept writing the way I did.”

Hero gaped at him. “He… seriously?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I mean, I’ve written plenty of really good papers. That professor just doesn’t like my writing style. I know that now.” A beat, getting lost in blue eyes… “Anyway. That paper, plus Ellen and Alison officially going out, plus Pedro and Balthazar’s engagement, plus all the old feelings coming back all at once, seeing you across campus, everything stacking up, one by one, well.” He sighed again. “God, that’s probably the dumbest reason to stop living.”

“No,” Hero insisted. “Of course not.”

“I guess the real reason, though,” he continued, not even really hearing her, “was that I didn’t have a reason to keep living.”

She looked so sad, eyes huge, emotions brimming over. She wore her heart on her sleeve; she always had. “And now?”

He smiled. “Now I might have one.”

Hero stared at him for a moment more before turning to the tv again. “Let’s finish the movie,” she whispered.

“Okay,” he whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm aware that suicide is a very real, very intense thing, and this probably doesn't seem like a good enough reason for taking your own life. However, in my head, John doesn't really know how to articulate what he's feeling, including when he's talking about why he would want to die.  
> I have many other thoughts on this, but I don't know that I want to put them here.... so. Come talk to me on my tumblr if you want :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good, old, Pedrazar wedding. Everyone comes.

“How is it possible… you’re only four years older than me?” John asked Lily.

She laughed and smoothed out her dress before getting in the car with him. “I was a young graduate. I pushed very hard to get to the top and obsessively made myself stay there.”

John nodded slowly. “Alright. Well, we’re going to get Hero and Freddie and then we’ll be on our way. Good?”

“Let’s go!” Lily exclaimed.

\---

The past three and a half months had been crazy. John mused on them as they drove, music blasting through the stereo, muffling his thoughts.

Lily had become one of his closest friends. Eventually, he had requested a new therapist. They had become too close. It was weird. She asked about Balthazar Jones a lot. That was not so weird.

Hero and he had spent a lot of time together. A lot. After a while, Freddie joined in. She was the only one of the four flatmates still in Wellington. The three of them had become quite the squad. 

Lily hadn’t met either of them yet, but seeing as she had watched all the videos, and was very good with interpersonal relationships, John wasn’t too worried about her. 

They were driving the hour and a half for a wedding.

John was actually very excited. Great strides in his mental health, there.

\---

Hero yelled as she opened her front door. “Hey, losers!” was the first thing John heard when he pulled up outside her flat.

He laughed. “Jump in!”

Hero climbed in the back, bouncing slightly from happiness. “Hi! You must be Lily. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Lily turned around and shook hands with Hero. “And I have heard a lot about you.”

John smiled. They were going to get along.

\---

Freddie walked out of the flat, conscientiously locking the door and making sure everything was in place before walking out to the car. “Hello, everyone,” she said after getting in. “Hello, you must be Lily. I’m Freddie.”

Lily smiled and gave a little wave. “It’s very nice to meet you.” She winked at John before turning the music up a little again.

John smiled to himself. Freddie never changed.

\---

Hero jumped out of the car enthusiastically, stretching as she did so. “We’re here!” she exclaimed. She glanced around before shrieking slightly, tapping John’s arm. “It’s Beatrice! Look, it’s Beatrice!” She grabbed John’s hand and pulled him towards Ben and Bea. 

“Calm down, Hero,” he said quietly, laughing.

“I can’t. It’s so exciting. It’s the wedding of two of my favorite people, and two of my other favorite people are here, visiting from Scotland, and the weather is perfect, and you’re here, and everything is wonderful,” she rambled. “Beatrice!”

Bea turned around and shrieked in response before hugging the smaller girl with enthusiasm.

Ben extended his hand before just going in for the hug. “John, my man. How are you doing?”

John pulled back and studied Ben’s face. He seemed genuine. “I’ve been good, actually. Thank you, Benedick.”

Ben nodded and clapped his back. “Good. I’m glad.”

Freddie came over. “Benedick,” she said stiffly.

“Frederick.” Ben tried to look stiff and failed, bursting into a joyous laugh that Freddie soon joined in with. They spontaneously did the handshake that they made up so long ago.

Lily came over to join them, smiling at everyone as she did so.

John rose to the occasion. “Benedick, Beatrice, this is my friend, Lily. Lily, Ben and Bea. You can call them Beadick if you want. It’s easier.”

Lily tried not to smile, but failed. “Ben and Bea is fine.”

“Team Blessed if you want to be classy,” Hero jumped in. She nudged John. “Beadick isn’t their ship name. Do you remember anything from high school?”

“I try not to,” John said, smiling in spite of himself.

“Is that Beatrice Duke?” he heard a very loud voice demand behind him. 

Turning, John smiled at Meg Winter, who was going in for a hug from Bea. She was dragging Vegan Fred in tow. Apparently, those two were still flatmates. It was amazing.

Coming behind Meg and Vegan Fred were Paige and Chelsey, and Costa and Jaquie. It was incredible how much of the old crew was there.

Hero suddenly shrieked again. “Ursula!” She ran off to go hug her old friend.

Lily nudged John. “I feel weird that I know all these people, but I don’t know all these people,” she whispered to him, laughing. “It’s so weird.”

“I think it’s nice,” John whispered back. “You have all the knowledge of who they are without all the experience of living through those hellish two years.”

She laughed again and turned to introduce herself to Paige and Chelsey. 

John searched through the crowd before his eyes lit on his dumb stepbrother. He was walking around, looking fancy in his tuxedo. He was wearing a blue bow tie and cummerbund. He was so stupid. John loved him.

Peter turned and made eye contact with John. His face lit up and he started walking quickly towards John.

John began walking towards him before breaking into a run and ramming into him, hugging him with all his might. “Pedro Donaldson, you asshole. I can’t believe it. You’re getting married today. What the hell.”

Peter laughed and hugged him tightly. “God. I’m so glad to see you. You look so tall and happy.”

John laughed. “I love you, man.”

Peter pulled back and stared up at his taller brother. “I love you, too.”

Hero suddenly appeared next to John. “Peter,” she said warmly. “Oh, my gosh, it’s so good to see you.”

Peter grinned and hugged Hero tightly. “Hero Duke, you shining light. I’m so glad you’re here.” He slapped John on the arm. “Imagine. You two, here together. Amazing.”

“Not together, necessarily,” John said, without thinking. “No, not in that way.”

Hero shot him an odd look before turning back to Peter. “No… not in that way.”

“I see.” Peter shot John a guarded look before glancing beyond them and grinning. “They’re all here!”

After that, it was all hugs, and laughter, and handshakes, and joy. Balthazar made an appearance, hugging everyone, thanking everyone, looking like he actually filled out his clothes. Peter made a huge deal about how he wasn’t supposed to see Balthazar before the wedding. Balthazar tried to make him calm down before realizing Peter was joking. There was more hugging.

John glanced around at the joy and couldn’t stop the smile on his own face.

Lily came up to him. “This is beautiful,” she whispered. “You have the biggest, most amazing family I’ve ever seen.”

“So I do,” John answered. “So I do.” 

Inevitably, a flash of blonde hair caught his eye. He smiled again. “I love them all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey-o!!! so it's been a while... I actually forgot about this story haha sorry.... But now I've applied to grad school and midterms are almost over, so I should get back into the swing of things here. So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, as expository as it may seem. :) love you all. stay safe


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John chats with some friends.

Ellen plopped down on John’s couch, smiling broadly. “So,” she started, patting the empty space next to her. Max sat down and raised their eyebrows at John suggestively.

“So?” John asked. “What do we want to watch?”

“The horrible version of Romeo and Juliet!” Max exclaimed.

“No,” Ellen protested. “We have to discuss what’s been going on in your life recently.”

“And then we watch Romeo and Juliet,” Max interjected.

“Yes. Then we’ll stare at Leonardo’s face,” Ellen agreed.

John pulled out Romeo and Juliet from his collection. He loved that movie, no matter how horrible it was. “What’s been going on in my life recently?”

“Oh, John,” Max tsked, “you are so obvious, you know? You wear your small heart on your sleeve.”

John frowned and put in the dvd. “What?”

“Hero,” Ellen said insistently. “You keep going on and on about Hero… what you guys did yesterday, how nice she is, really, how the sun plays off her hair, how she was beautiful at the wedding, how she’s always there for you.” She smiled mischievously suddenly. “I can see why, too. If I wasn’t with Alison—”

“Okay,” John interrupted. “So maybe I’m obvious.”

“And maybe she likes you back,” Max said seriously.

The juxtaposition of Ellen’s teasing and Max’s seriousness always caught John by surprise.

“No, she doesn’t,” John sighed.

“Of course she does,” Ellen argued. “When you two are together, I’m not even there. You know? It’s all eyes for each other.” She sighed dramatically. “I’m not used to that.”

“It’s good for you.” Max grinned.

“Shut up,” Ellen mumbled, throwing a pillow in their face.

“Guys, come on,” John said, at a loss for words.

Max gasped, placing a hand over their heart.

Ellen pointed at John, dramatic to the core. “You… how… could… you… Neither of us is a guy. Patriarchy!”

“Now you shut up,” John said, gently slapping her hand away. “We’re going to stop having this stupid discussion and watch this horrible movie.”

“Sounds good to me,” Max said, fully recovered from the shock of being called a ‘guy’ without any long-lasting repercussions. 

“Cool.” John pressed play, and talking ceased for a glorious two minutes.

“…John and Hero, sitting in a tree…”

“Ellen…”

She giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i suck at chapter summaries i just realized :) sorry


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes a step in his relationship with Hero.

John cleared his throat and dialed. “Hero?” he asked when he heard her voice at the other end. 

“John!” she exclaimed. “How are you?”

“I’m… okay.” He smiled. “How are you?”

“I’m great! What’s going on?”

John hesitated. “Can we hang out today?” he asked carefully.

“Sure, of course,” Hero said. “No problem. When? Where?”

“I mean, my roommates are all out, so we could do it here, or somewhere else; I don’t really care,” he ended slowly. “Whatever you want, I guess.”

“I’ll head on over,” she said. “Give me about twenty minutes?”

John agreed and hung up the phone. He glanced in the mirror and shook his head at himself. “Shut up,” he told his reflection. “This doesn’t mean anything.”

The problem was, he knew it meant everything.

\---

John was sitting outside on the porch when Hero walked up. It was a beautiful day, sun shining, wind gently going through, rustling the trees. He had his eyes closed.

Hero smiled. “John?”

John lifted his head and smiled back. “Hero.” He stood up. “How are you?”

“I’m… great,” she repeated. “You?”

“Good,” he said, nodding emphatically. “Quite good. Would you like to go inside, or sit out here…?”

“Out here would be lovely,” she said, still smiling. She walked past him and sat on the porch swing. “What have you been doing today?”

“Oh, I’ve just been, you know,” he shrugged, sitting beside her. “Spending time with Ellen and Max. I hung out with Lily yesterday, which was fun. It always is. And I went and saw Daniel yesterday.”

“Oh? How is he? Is he as good as Lily at what he does?” Hero asked.

“I don’t know that anyone will ever compare to Lily,” John said, laughing slightly. “She’s incredible.”

Hero smiled and tilted her head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” John smiled. “Yeah.”

There was a silence that filled the air around them, not uncomfortably, but not necessarily comfortably, either. John started to get nervous again.

“John,” Hero said.

“Yeah?” he asked immediately, not quite meeting her gaze.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” she asked. “I mean, you said you were ‘fine’, which is usually indicative of not being alright, and your eyes keep shifting, and you seem really… upset about something, or really nervous, or something. Something just seems wrong.” Hero searched his face for answers. “I just… I need to make sure you’re alright.”

John winced inwardly at those words. He could never deserve her. Hero would never—

“Because I really don’t know what I would do without you,” she continued.

His eyes snapped to hers at those words. Could she… “Hero,” he said, clearing his throat. “I need to ask you something.”

“Of course,” she said. “Anything.”

He smiled to himself. ‘Anything.’ “I was wondering if you would like to get a cup of coffee with me.”

“We do that often,” she laughed. “I mean, sure, I would love that.”

“No,” John said, frustrated. He ran a hand through his short hair. “I mean… Would you like to… go… out with me?”

Hero backed away suddenly, her eyes widening. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I’ve been wanting to ask for a while, but it didn’t seem right. Now it does.”

“Oh.”

John waited. “Um…”

“Oh, sorry,” she said. “John… I, I like you, I do, but not…”

“It’s okay,” he said, stopping her before she could go any further. “I understand.”

Hero bit her lip. “John.”

“No, it’s fine.” He stood up. “I mean, yeah, it’s okay. I’ve gotten over you before, and I can do it again, without a problem. You honestly don’t have to worry about me.”

“You’ve…” Hero stood and stared at him. “What do you mean you’ve gotten over me before?”

“Oh, come on,” John said. “You’re Hero Duke! You’re the angel of Messina High! Everybody loved you, including me. I don’t think there was a person who liked females there who wasn’t half in love with you, if not completely. But, I mean, I got over it before. I can do it again.”

“John.” Hero grabbed his hands, which had started wildly moving about to accentuate his words during that speech. “Come on. You didn’t like me in high school.”

“No, I didn’t. I loved you.” John started to feel slightly dizzy. “I loved you, and I hurt you, and I ran away, and you asked me to come home. And these past few weeks… weeks? How long have we been talking again? It doesn’t matter,” he said, seeing Hero was about to answer. “What matters is I thought we… were making a connection, and I guess we weren’t, and I don’t really know how I feel about it, but after a few hours just thinking, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ll be over it.”

Hero stood there in silence, staring at him, thinking, no, no, this can’t be happening, John Donaldson doesn’t like me, this isn’t real, over and over, trying to wake up… “John. You… You think you like me,” she said slowly, hesitantly. “But… I think you don’t really.”

“You don’t know… my thoughts,” John said quietly, trying to think of some excuse to get her to leave, anything, ‘just let me mourn in peace, damn it.’ 

“I… I honestly thought you liked… Lily,” Hero said awkwardly. “I thought that’s what you meant when you had something to live for now, and I thought that’s why you requested a new therapist…”

John laughed, slightly bitterly. “No. Not Lily.”

“Me.” Hero bit her lip.

“You.” John nodded.

She stared at him for a minute longer. “Do you want me to go?”

John hesitated. 

“Because if you want me to go, I will. No hard feelings at all. I wouldn’t want me here if I was you,” Hero said quietly.

“I… need some time.”

“Okay.” Hero nodded and slipped away quietly, leaving John to his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily talks to John about Hero.

Lily almost dropped her cup in surprise. “Hero doesn’t like you?” she asked. “Are you sure?”

John had to laugh. “Yeah, Lily. I’m pretty sure.”

“How do you feel?” she asked.

He shot her a look.

“Sorry, sorry. No therapy.” She sighed. “Well, that… sucks… I’m really sorry for you.”

John shrugged. “I mean, as I told her… without meaning to, mind you… I got over her once before, and I can do it again.”

“Yeah?” Lily asked. “Because as I remember you telling me the story, you never actually got over her. Which is it, Mr. Donaldson?” She smiled slightly, teasing him.

“Ha. Ha.” John ended up laughing a little despite his best efforts to remain sarcastic and detached. “Maybe a little bit of both. Maybe not. I mean, when Hero and Ursula dated for a little while, I was—”

“Hero and Ursula dated?” Lily asked. “What?”

“Yeah. They ended it really amicably, though. Decided they were better as friends.” John took a sip of his coffee. 

Lily looked lost in thought.

“Lil? You there?” John asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m here.” She took a drink of her tea. “So, how did you get over Hero last time? If you did. I’m still not convinced.”

John rolled his eyes slightly. “You know. Fell in love with someone else.”

“And?” Lily asked. “It didn’t work?”

“Well, no, but her girlfriend is lovely.” John grinned. 

“Oh.” Lily laughed. “How’d you get over her?”

“The vicious cycle. Hero saved my life.” 

Lily watched him carefully. “And there’s nobody else…?”

“Nope.” John shook his head. “Nobody. I will be alone forever.” He laughed again. “Hero actually insinuated that… well, she thought I liked you. I guess there were just some misunderstandings all around.”

Lily shook her head. “No. No, I’m not sure that would work out.” She smiled.

“My god, you’re lucky I’m not my brother. Or Benedick. Or Beatrice. If you had said that to any of them, they would have dated you just to prove you wrong.”

“I can see that, from what I know of them. ‘I’m always right’ is their catchphrase, is it not?” Lily looked amused. 

“It is… It definitely is.” John shifted around on his chair, glancing out the windows.

“So.” Lily finished her tea off and set her cup down. “What do you want to do?”

“Do?” he asked.

“To blow off steam.” She raised her eyebrows. “It’s time to have some fun!”

“I… don’t think so,” John said. “This is fun.”

Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed John’s hand, dragging up him. “C’mon, Tall Boy.”

“What kind of name—”

“We’re going out!” Lily finished.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero and Lily talk.

“Lily!” Hero hugged Lily and sat down. “It’s so nice to see you again.”

Lily smiled at Hero. “I know! I feel like we were just starting to really get to know each other, when…”

“Yeah.” Hero frowned slightly. “I…”

“Have you talked to John at all?” Lily asked before backing off. “Wait, sorry, that was really personal.”

“It’s fine. I’m pretty sure personal is in your life description. Or job description.” Hero smiled. “No, I actually texted him a few times and even saw him across campus, but whenever I try to reach out, he shuts me down.” She sighed. “I do miss him.”

“Yeah? I’m sorry.” Lily made a sympathetic face. “I’ll talk to him. Have him reach out. Or maybe I’ll contact his therapist.”

“Oh, no, it’s not that big of a deal,” Hero protested. “Really.”

“It is,” Lily insisted. “The last time he shut everyone out, it was… Well, you know. You were there.”

“Yeah.” 

“So… it’s okay if I have him reach out?” Lily asked.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine,” Hero said. “Of course. I would love to hear from him.”

Lily smiled. “Good! Now that’s settled, tell me all the gossip, girl.”

“Oh.” Hero looked taken aback, but couldn’t help the smile on her face. “I don’t know that I have any gossip… I’m not really much of a gossiping person, I guess.”

“You must have something. Someone in your life do anything crazy recently?”

Hero thought. “I mean… Beatrice told Ben she would consider taking his last name.”

“No!” Lily exclaimed. “Beatrice is a feminist icon.”

“You realize she is my cousin, right? She’s a real, breathing human? Not an icon,” Hero laughed.

“Feminist. Icon. She can’t take Ben’s last name!” Lily protested. “Although, I mean, Beatrice Hobbes has… Nope. Doesn’t even have a nice ring to it. This is horrible. Duke is so royal. Tell her not to change her last name.”

“I, I will tell her you said so,” Hero laughed. “In fact, I’ll text her right now.”

Lily watched her text Beatrice. “Good. Beatrice Duke forever.”

“So…” Hero waited.

“So?” Lily asked.

“Any drama in your life recently, Miss Gossip?” 

Lily gasped melodramatically. “The sass! Hero Duke. So much sass.”

Hero laughed. “I’m so glad John introduced us. Honestly. Every person he’s introduced me to, I’ve really loved getting to know.”

“He has good taste in people.” Lily nodded. “And no, no drama in my life. Sorry. I have to live vicariously through others. It’s why I took the job as the therapist.” She winced a little. “Sorry, that sounds horrible. I don’t actually live vicariously through other people’s problems. I hope you know that.”

“I didn’t think you did.” Hero smiled. 

“Good.” Lily smiled. “Good.”

\---

“Hey, there’s John,” Lily said, pointing through the window. “He’s probably coming in. This is his favorite coffee shop.”

“Mine, too,” Hero said quietly. 

Lily looked at her with discernment. “Want me to distract him?”

“No, it’s fine,” Hero said. She sighed. “I’ve been wanting to talk to him for a while now, so… I guess now is the time.”

Lily nodded and leaned back into her chair.

John walked in and immediately fixated on the two women. He hesitated before walking over to them. “Ladies,” he said, nodding at them.

“John, hi!” Hero jumped up. “How are you?”

John shrugged. “I’ve been good. How about you?”

“I’ve been doing pretty well. Missed you, though. Is it alright if I hug you?”

John blinked, surprised. “Sure?” he finally said.

Hero wrapped her arms around him. “Don’t disappear on me ever again,” she whispered.

John didn’t have the words to respond.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finds out where he stands with Hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!!!

“So… you’re friends?”

Hero nodded and put down her tea slowly. “We’re friends.”

Balthazar smiled. “Okay. Good.” He waved at someone outside of Hero’s viewpoint. At her questioning look, he said, “Just someone I used to know. In uni. You know.”

“Huh.” Hero got up and went to sit beside Balthazar on the couch, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. “So how’s married life, Stan the music man?”

“Good.” Balthazar smiled down at her. “Good.”

\---

“So you’re friends?”

John groaned and fell back onto his bed. “Balthazar,” he said, annoyed. “I have no clue. Why are you asking?”

Balthazar smiled and sat at John’s desk, drinking his second cup of tea of the day. “Just curious.”

“We’re… she rejected me.” John frowned and sat up slowly.

Balthazar was surprised by the tears in his eyes.

“So, no, I wouldn’t go so far as to say we are friends,” John whispered.

Balthazar moved over to sit beside him. “Love sucks,” he said, his mellow voice counteracting against the harsh words. 

John shot him a glance. “Yeah, okay, Mr. I’m-Married-And-Everything-Is-Great.”

Balthazar couldn’t fight his smile. “You should talk things out with Hero.”

John groaned again and shook his head. “For now, I’m good with just not talking to her ever again. It helps my heart, helps my head, makes me feel better in general.”

Balthazar raised his eyebrows but didn’t fight him on it. He would come around eventually. Balthazar was sure of it.

“So, speaking of my asshole brother…” John smiled.

\---

John was picking himself up.

The pieces were slowly coming back together, forming a whole John once more. He was spending a lot of time with Ellen and Max again, and talking to Peter on the phone more than ever. His classes were going extremely well. He was losing himself in his books, in his music, in friendships that had no romantic feelings attached.

(Ellen didn’t count. Ellen had a girlfriend and John had no hope with her. It was fine.)

He was going to the tea shop almost every day, reading and writing and studying and meeting people. It was a habit for him, one that his bank account was starting to suffer from, but his head had never felt so right, not for a long time. 

John Donaldson was healing.

\---

He was furiously typing out an essay when the bell above the door dinged. His eyes flashed up out of habit and he almost jumped out of his chair in surprise when he saw Hero and Lily walk in together.

He hadn’t talked to Lily in ages. She had kind of dropped off the planet for a while, which was fine, but he did miss her. 

John began to stand and was about to call their names, when….

[Shit.

Shit shit shit. They’re…

Oh god

Oh no

Crap

No]

\---

Hero looked over the menu briefly before turning to Lily. “I’m gonna get the usual. What do you want?”

Lily thought for a moment. “Probably just green tea today, hon.”

“Okay.” Hero leaned over and gave Lily a quick kiss. “My treat this time.”

“Okay.” Lily smiled and squeezed her hand before stepping back. “I’ll be at our usual table.”

\---

[What do you do

When the woman you love

And the woman you started to think of as your best friend

Love each other

In a way

She will never

Love you]

\---

Lily stopped in surprise. “John!” she exclaimed. “Hey! How are you?”

John gaped at her for a moment. “I have to go,” he said, shoving his laptop in his backpack and draining the rest of his tea. “Have a good date.”

And with that, he brushed by her and went outside as quickly as he could.

Lily sat down at the table he had just left and tried not to cry.

\---

Hero came over to the table. “What’s going on?” she asked, her usually sunny face downcast at the sight of her girlfriend.

“John was here,” Lily said quietly.

Hero sucked in a breath and sat down, swallowing hard. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They sat in silence for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my original plan all along and i'm sorry to have strung you guys along and i'm sorry it's so late and i'm sorry that it's so sad but i really wanted to write this story so
> 
> please feel free to yell at me in my tumblr inbox  
> whiterosecafe.tumblr.com  
> always available for yelling

**Author's Note:**

> hey-o i'm back with another fic lolllll because i cant get enough of this dumb non-canon couple (EXCEPT IT'S CANON TO ME OK COME TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM ON MY TUMBLR whiterosecafe.tumblr.com ) sooo yeah. i hope you enjoy!!


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